heartless bastards

Well, I'm sitting here in my dark and chilly home feeling sad cause all my friends are out enjoying
Grizzly Bear, to which I had a ticket but lost said ticket, I am so majorly bummed right now, and feel like a dolt. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my wallet, I was probably drunk when it happened. Oh well, those are the consequences of drinking heavily I guess.

Facebook is being stupid...ah facebook, which has informed me that he who broke my heart a couple years ago is possibly moving back to this fine city in a couple months. We don't really run with the same crowd that much anymore so it is unlikely that I'll see him, but it is a possibility. I met a boy at a party the other night that I could potentially have a crush on if I thought I were to ever see him again...we are facebook friends now too, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll ever interact with him again in real life.

*Update* I got into the Grizzly Bear show!! My pals came through and discovered a way to "sneak" me in, and I'm so glad they did, it was excellent!

Well, before I had to rush out to the show, I was going to lament over the demise of my former roommate's bluegrass band...a very sad occurance. Not only do I really enjoy their music, but their band kept me connected to former roommate(s) and people of the aforementioned group, who I enjoy seeing at least occasionally. I've been going to their shows pretty steadily since I met them almost 3 years ago, so I'm feeling the loss.

The demise of their band also caused a demise (thus far) in another friendship with my former co-worker/friend. Said friend had been for lack of better term "tagging along" when I'd see their band in a nearby town where they all went to college, as in barring once or twice she insisted upon coming with me for the past year or so. I was not bothered by this but at the same time I certainly never begged her to come with me. She would drive for a couple reasons, one being her car is more reliable and pleasant to ride in than mine, and she would usually bring a friend. So basically we had a fight over how I was supposed to drive her because I "owed" her. Thing is that she had never asked me to drive previously and if it was a big deal I would have driven or hitched a ride for both of us with Jake. We could have gotten a ride with Jake last weekend except for the fact that she had to work late, so I ended up opting to get a ride with him and leave her to her own devices. The reason she was so insistant on me driving other than that she always had was because her ex was going to be there and she wanted to drink, meanwhile I also wanted to be able to be there on time, relax and enjoy myself for their final show, (like I said, a band that I've been supporting for almost 3 years), and spend time with Jake and Kat who are moving soon. The friend that I speak of isn't really friends with Jake or Kat, nor have I ever gotten the impression that she cares that much about the band other than it gives her something to do every once in a while and she can flirt with cute boys at their shows. So, she ended up not coming and we haven't really spoken for over a week now. I'm not usually one to have friendships end over something petty like this, but with this particular friend it was more than the stupid driving and it just kind of came to a head I think, as I've walked on eggshells around her more than I care to with someone I consider a friend. I think eventually we'll come around but we are both stubborn people.

My co-worker is also pissing me off. I've felt rather belittled by her lately, as in she always double checks my work and "fixes" things that are either unnecessary busy work or don't actually need fixing. She seems to have quite a fondness for adding small tasks onto her workload that are completely unnecessary, and also being a suck-up to the nurses for some sad reason, so that when I refuse to bend over backwards to do things that they are fully capable of doing and SHOULD be doing than I'm a bad employee. She recently just about took over my monthly audit because in three months 3 mistakes were found, one of which was admittedly my fault, but the other 2 had nothing to do with me. However, she proceeded to blame me for the other 2 mistakes and decided that I am not competent at auditing and that she should take it over since she certainly never makes mistakes like I obviously do. Then today she approaches me about something that was missed because I was off and she was ill, so another co-worker filled in for the day and she doesn't really know what she is doing, understandable since she rarely needs to fill that role. So when she points out that the insurance benefits hadn't been obtained I pointed out to her that it was the day we both were gone and that I am fully aware that benefits need to be obtained and that I do, in fact, call and verify benefits when need be. For some reason this was not good enough for her and she repeated herself as if I didn't understand, so I curtly interrupted her to say yes I understand, thanks, and turned my back.

I think I'm starting to get a tad more of a backbone, not much, but a smidge.

It's been a full 5 1/2 days since I've had a cigarette, except for one drag...hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I suppose it helps to have a solid reason, instead of a more abstract "bad for me" reason.

bumpkin

\I'm a bumpkin...as in I will be toothless for at least 6 months. Yes, my molar has finally bit the dust, and now it won't be biting anything anymore, it has been yanked from my jaw, leaving an empty gaping hole. I miss it. I will also miss smoking. If anyone cares about the long and sordid tale of the life and death of my tooth, I will regale it...


The story begins way back in college, I believe my sophomore or junior year. I was slightly more portlier than I am currently (though I'm well on my way to returning to my previous state). I was snacking on some hard candy as you can imagine a shy, frumpy, portly girl like myself might be doing, and a hard bite led to a sizeable chunk of tooth chipping away. Honestly I don't even think the candy was that hard, it may have been a starburst, I don't remember. I do remember thinking that I didn't have dental insurance (indeed, I did, I just didn't realize my stepmother had added me to her plan). Being your typical strapped for cash college student (this was even before I discovered alchohol and started blowing my wad on that), I thought there was no way I could afford the dental work. Fast forward a couple years, I believe stepmom inquired as to when I had last visited el dentist, and I informed her of my plight. She insisted that I visit her kind and gentle dentist. I went in, the dentist thought that we could attempt to get by with a filling...keep in mind I had chipped a decent chunk out and left it untreated for approx. 2 years. The dentist warned me that a the filling might do the trick but assured me it was worth a shot before going for the dreaded root canal. Another year or so goes by and something just isn't right, I have swelling and some pain. I return and they decided to go ahead with the root canal which was NO BIG DEAL, like some people make it out to be. Another year goes by...tooth STILL doesn't feel quite right, apparently dentist didn't do a sufficient root canal, by this time I have my own dental insurance and regular dentist who refers me to a specialist to do ANOTHER root canal. More time passes (see a theme emerging) and the tooth...still something wrong, go back to the specialist to do yet another root canal and before she dives in she tells me there is nothing more she can do and refers me to an even more specialized specialist. I'm not quite sure what the problem is but what it comes down to is that I have to get the tooth removed or have surgery if I want to attempt to save my tooth. He recommends the surgery which is very expensive even with insurance. I go in for my checkup in 6 months and he claims things look great, I go in for my yearly checkup and things are not so great, apparently now my tooth has a fracture and that is the final straw, it has to come out. So at this point I've put a couple grand into this tooth, minus what my parents paid for in the early stages. Now I have to get a dental implant or nothing, implants are quite expensive also but I would like some sort of tooth there. Anywho, the tooth is gone and I feel like a bumpkin, not that anyone can tell since it is in the back, and the rest of my teeth are in pretty good shape, it isn't as though I neglect my oral hygiene. The healing process apparently takes about 5 to 6 months, and then I can get the implant hopefully, meanwhile smoking obviously doesn't help the chances of the implant becoming acclimated to it's environment so it is a good reason to get me to actually quit. It's weird how I feel about quitting smoking, clearly I know that I should quit, especially now that I'm getting older, but sadly it's become part of who I am in a way, and certainly how I socialize, which I will miss. I keep trying to envision myself as a non-smoker and my improved health, it's going to be hard, but I figure if I can at least get out of the every day habit that I can maybe get to the point where I can have the occasional smoke.

So that, plus helping with the next installation at the gallery I'm volunteering at has got me plum tired. Helping with the install has been great fun, well, the first day was fun. It was a bit nervewracking trying to understand what the artist has in mind and execute it, but she seemed to like me and affirmed that I was doing well. Yesterday when I worked I pretty much felt like a dolt the entire time, some hot artist dude asked me a question and me being a recent and lowly volunteer had no idea, I cut these pictures wrong for this other dude, and I didn't know what to do with my painting supplies when I finished and felt too stupid to ask someone, so I just left. Last time I volunteered there I was gallery sitting with another sexy artist dude who I had admired outside the window doing some manual labor a couple weeks when I was scraping potentially harmful debris off the pane of said window. Well, we sat in silence pert near the entire time (we were reading), then when it came time to shut down the gallery I didn't have any clue how to turn off any of the dvd players and what not, so I wandered around attempting to figure it out not knowing that my sitting partner had all the remotes. I felt really moronic and silly, and awkward. I have a major issue with feeling awkward almost all the time.

Other than that...I guess being 30 hasn't been all that bad, except the decline in my looks and metabolism.

hoo-boy

I just severely porked out right now for lunch, after my dinner last night of cake scraps and frosting and whipped cream I'm feeling mighty portly.

Remember when I used to post on this thing like, almost every day? Maybe I'll try that again.

in a van, by the river

That's where I'll be if I don't get into JET next year. Oh, so for any of my vast readership that hasn't heard the news, I was chosen as an alternate for JET, and I just decided to turn down my chance of being upgraded in the following months for a variety of reasons, mostly because I don't want to have to move in with my mother if I gave up my housing situation and then didn't get upgraded. Part of me is really dissappointed in myself for not taking the chance and taking the safe route, which is essentially what I'm doing. Although, and I know there is always going to be something that I will miss out on by moving abroad for a significant amount of time, but there are things going on in this year that would be hard to miss out on. So...that is that, I will hopefully get off my duff this year and do some things that will enrich both my life and increase my chances of getting a straight -yes- next spring, including volunteering with kids, possibly tutoring or some such thing, obtaining my TEFL/TESL (which I think will be quite beneficial, not only for JET but if I want to go anywhere else), and taking some Japanese classes and learning more about Japan in general. I do really want to do JET...it would allow me to travel, get me some valuable experiences (maybe not jobwise, but at least life experience), and help me pay down some loans, so I hope I didn't miss out on my chance, but we'll see.

I also feel like I have to make my life this year worthwhile, I already have recently signed up to volunteer at a local art gallery which I'm hoping to get more involved in over the course of the year (including an Art Shanty this winter), and maybe finding an attractive fella to go on an actual date with, along with the aforementioned items. Again, this will take me staving off my propensity for laziness, which will be no small feat, but if I'm to survive another MN winter I gotta feel as if I'm doing something cool and not just twiddling my thumbs. I feel like I say this every year though.

Well, anywho, that's pretty much what has been weighing heavily on my mind the past month or so, now I can focus on turning 30 in a few days, and the despair that notion fills me with. If I don't die from swine flu that is, then I don't have to worry about it I guess.

hornswaggled

Hmm, well, it has been an interesting few days.

First of all, I'd like to expound on my opinion of the film "He's Just Not That Into You", which highlights the "delusions" of women and their supposed desperation to "read too much into" the supposed obvious disinterest of the object of their desire. However, it does not address why the hell the men give the mixed signals in the first place. For example, the man that the "crazy" girl meets in the bar who by all indication seems "into her"...saying he was glad to have come to the bar because he met her, asked for her number, etc., then when she admittedly embarrassingly confronts him on the specifics of their future interactions it was supposed to be obvious to her that he wasn't genuinely interested, well, then why did he feel the need to show interest? Same goes with the Scarlett Johannson character. There is not any addressing of the fact that perhaps people could just stand to be more honest about their intentions, and it seemed that the stereotypical "crazy chick" was emphasized more throughout the movie. Maybe a film that expresses a need for people to be more honest and upfront to begin with when dating, being respectful enough and secure enough to refrain from feeding on other's insecurities in order to give oneself an ego boost and recognizing that their actions do affect others might be in order. Of course not nearly as entertaining and money producing as poking fun at the patheticness of what it means to be human sometime and to desire a genuine connection with another human.

So that being said, I had a blast from my romantic past who by all sane observations would have been deemed "not that into me" and who preyed on my insecurities for his personal gain, much to the chagrin of my close compadres who genuinely love me and knew I deserved far far better. Well, that person showed up at my workplace last week after years of no contact, to apparently apologize profusely for wronging me, and to make sure that I knew that he took my general loveliness for granted. It was simutaneously flattering and freaky, and of course I am skeptical based on past experience. In any case, it was nice to hear, albeit possibly ingenuine, but coming from someone that I once invested too much into to my mental detriment and who no longer holds the same power over me, it was satisfying and somewhat therapuetic.

I also just bought a car, a car whose only known problem by the owner was that it needed the brakes to be bled (from what I know a simple and inexpensive procedure), but turns out after taking it to the mechanic that the entire brake system needs to be replaced which would cost me a ridiculous amount of money, meanwhile being a hazard to drive. I called the folks that I purchased the car from (a nice seeming family just in need of some extra dough) and they agreed to refund me my money and take the car back via voicemail but they have yet to return my call to work out the details of that transaction. So, I got hornswaggled again in my search for a cheap used car. I just hope they actually take the car back, I'm nervous. *update* I talked to the previous owner and she was real cool about taking the car back so all is well.

It is cold as balls out there. My other car's doors were frozen shut this morning, it was quite unfortunate.

In other news, my father has gone off the conservative deep end. He texted me last week (had no idea he knew how to text) to get my email address. I never received anything from him. Yesterday my brother texted me asking for my email address saying that he and Dad were fighting and he wanted to forward the emails to me. Since my father had typed in my email address wrong I had not received the original email, which was a bunch of ridiculous right-wing rhetoric about the state of government and how soon enough our freedoms will be taken away and how we (his beloved children) should prepare ourselves for anarchy and make sure to protect ourselves against those that will go to any means necessary to take what they need. Also I should put all of my savings (which would consist of nothing) into silver and gold. My brother was offended that our father would purport to change the political views of his adult children in the span of three paragraphs of paranoia and delusion and replied as such, to which my father replied with a verbal attack against my brother and his lack of fiscal responsibility, and now they are not speaking. I see both sides, of course, my brother has a lot of harbored bitterness toward's 'ol pa, so I can see why he'd get more riled in the first place. Meanwhile, I could care less if pa is wants to spew his crazy notions, and kinda feel bad for the fellow since I guess he was well-meaning, but then he got unneccesarrily ugly towards my bro and that isn't cool.

Bah, I'm too lazy to prepare for anarchy.

slotheriffic

So next week I head to Chicago to have my JET interview, I'm quite excited that I at least made the first cut. Of course I'm a tad nervous, as I hear the program is pretty competetive, and I've also read that I should know a fair amount about Japan and it's history and also American history...and I know next to nothing about either. I dunno, I don't interview well, I am not a quick thinker who can easily come up with either a genuine or BS answer on the spot. I also don't like to talk about myself and sure don't do well at "selling" myself either, seeing as how I am generally under the assumption that almost anyone else can do the job better than I can. So I've ordered a couple books on Japan in the hopes of learning some goodies, and will attempt to pump up my confidence and acknowledge that I am a competent individual. A lot of me hopes I get accepted and finally move on to something bigger and better that will allow me to travel while actually making a decent living, while a part of me hopes I don't get accepted because I'm comfortable and have a home and a job and if I stick around I'll still have friends and they won't forget about me because I'll be gone for a year or two.

I keep thinking about baking yeasted bread type things. I wish I wasn't so lazy, I seriously laid around like a sloth in my own stench most of this past weekend and accomplished absolutely nothing other than gorging on unhealthy foods, oh wait, I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" after which I resumed my post on the sofa and watched more Northern Exposure instead of party-going as I had planned. The movie didn't do much to dispel women's romantic hopes and delusions, but it was funny. Meanwhile I have craploads of hobbies that I want to embark on, and I should maybe like, read or something.

a breath of fresh air

That is what I like to think of myself as, a breath of fresh air.


It has been confirmed by the blogosphere...all the eligible men are taken, so there is no point. I actually gave a go at fulfilling one of my goals and giving a young man the f*** me eyes this past weekend. He wasn't quite a stranger as I've met him a couple times before which made it easier, and more laughable since I frankly can't take myself seriously when attempting to be seductive. Also I was with my young friend (the one who bagged the only attractive single dude on NYE), who I used to not feel, shall I say for fear of sounding conceited, threatened by per se when it came to picking up dudes, but have since learned that she is an expert at it since she mananges to pick up dudes wherever she goes whereas...I am and do not. Yeah, I know it's part of the whole mating game, and I thought maybe I could handle the potential rejection since the only loss would be the little bit of self-esteem that remains, but I'm not sure if I can even risk that. I hit my prime a couple years ago where I felt cute, charming, witty, smart, thin...I was going places! I could attract cute dudes who actually read quality literature!, but failure has pushed me past that prime and I now I feel silly (and fat and also old). I also have like to hold out hope that some handsome, young-ish, intelligent, incredibly witty lad will be charmed by my awkwardness and will think me cute enough to be attentive and it'll be one of those rare times that I feel at ease (though probably with the aid of alcohol) and I'll feel semi-confident which will result in a decent conversation during which I portray myself as being somewhat funny and maybe even a little smart and there will be no need for f*** me eyes because the sparks will be a-flyin' and our inability to stop gazing at each other lustfully will be in full force and the flirting will all be quite natural.

Yeah, right. Or god forbid it happens and then at some point down the road, out of nowhere I'm dropped like a hot potato, devastated with a newfound sense of feeling destined to be alone.

Anyways, I can barely remember being 25, hell, I can barely remember 27, although I felt a pang of nostalgia over a memory of living in the (not literally) frat house. I have a serious nostalgia problem that I don't think can be fixed, and everything is transient so I'm essentially screwed. Therapy would possibly help except I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for therapy.